My notes and highlights from Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection Hardcover by Charles Duhigg.

What's important is wanting to connect, wanting to understand someone, wanting to have a deep conversation, even when it is hard and scary, or when it would be so much easier to walk away.

The best communicators create learning conversations. They:

1. Pay attention to what kind of conversation is occurring.
   • Practical, emotional, or social.
2. Share their goals and ask what others are seeking.
3. Ask about others feelings and share their own.
4. Explore if identities are important in this discussion.

3 types of conversations¶

1. Practical, decision-making, "What's this really about?"
2. Emotional, "How do we feel?"
3. Social, "Who are we?"

Every conversation is a negotiation.¶

...figure out, What does everyone want? And how will we make choices together?

To find out what a conversation is about....

• Experiment with bringing in new ideas or questions to the discussion to reveal new possibilities.
  • Is this a practical discussion? --> Lean into data and reasoning.
  • Is this an empathetic discussion? --> Lean into stories and compassion

Preparing for a conversation¶

1. What are two topics you could discuss?
2. What is one thing you hope to say?
3. What is one question you will ask?

Ask open ended questions¶

1. Ask about beliefs and values. (How'd you decide to ....)
2. Ask about experiences. (What was it like.... )
3. Ask someone to make a judgement. (Are you glad for ....)

Ask deep questions¶

• "A deep question asks about someone's values, beliefs, judgements, or experiences rather than just facts."
  • Questions about facts usually dead-end. Try:
    • What do you like about where you live? Not: Where do you live?
    • What was your favorite part of college? Not: Where did you go to school?
• "A deep question asks people to talk about how they feel."
  • Discussion about feelings, beliefs, values, and experiences creates vulnerability. This vulnerability creates contagious connection and engagement.
• "Emotional intelligence comes from showing someone we have heard their emotions."
  • "And the best way to do that is by repeating, in our own words, what we just heard them say—and then asking if we got it right."
  • Look for what someone needs. Comfort? Empathy? Advice? Tough love?
  • Ask permission. Would it be okay if I told you how I feel or share something from my own life or how I've handled this?

Difficult conversation guideliness¶

• Netflix Example: "'We had a big town hall after all this started, and the rules were made clear at the beginning: Everyone was allowed to talk, but no shaming or blaming or attacks. You had to think before you spoke. You had to contribute, rather than just criticize.'"
• Draw out everyone's goals. Ask, "What do you hope to get out of this conversation."
• Acknowledge discomfort is normal and a sign of a learning opportunity.

Topics for future reading:¶

The author mentioned a few topics that I want to read about later:

• Interest-based bargaining
• Motivational interviewing